"Making" The Ideal Partner

Chasing perfection.

We've probably all tried our hand at it at sometime or other: whether in the realm of sports, school, music, cooking, and the list could go on. There's something deep within us that longs to be able to play the perfect tennis match, score a perfect grade on that French test, sing with perfect pitch and cook the perfect meal in order to impress someone on a first date. Yet we fail miserably most of the time and realize once again that we live in a world where perfection just does not exist - we'll have to wait for the next world, the eternal one, to experience it fully.

Although we know this intellectually and are capable of applying it to all kinds of life situations, we tend to not want to accept it when it comes to finding the right partner - we want him/her to be perfect! (Disclaimer: I promise this will be the last post on relationships for a while ;-)) But as Daniel Goleman reminds us in his book Social Intelligence, that's just not going to happen:

"Psychoanalysts remind us that our desires for the "perfect" person who will meet every one of our expectations and emphatically sense and fulfill our every need is a primal fantasy impossible to achieve. When we learn to accept that no lover or spouse can ever satisfy all the unmet needs we bring from childhood, we can begin to perceive our partners more fully and realistically - rather than seeing them through the lens of our wishes and projections." (p. 217)

Now before you decide to go bury yourself in a hole and pout because the world is so unfair and you'd rather stay single than marry a less-than-perfect person (sounds awful, I know), let me give you the good news first. Apparently you can ensure that your partner becomes more and more like you want them to be - just by spending lots of time together. Sounds too good to be true? Well, don't take my word for it, read for yourself:

"On the other hand, something rather remarkable tends to happen with couples who live together for decades, finding happiness with each other. Their continual rapport even seems to leave its mark on their faces, which come to resemble each other, apparently a result of the sculpting of facial muscles as they evoke the same emotions over the years. Since each emotion tenses and relaxes a specific set of facial muscles, as partners smile or frown in unison they strengthen the parallel set of muscles. This gradually molds similar ridges, wrinkles, and lines, making their faces appear more alike." (p. 218)

I know what you're thinking: but that's just talking about facial expressions and looking more and more alike as time goes on! Good point. Must have picked out the wrong quotation... ah, here's the one that I was looking for ;-) : 

"In a sense, as time goes on the partners in a relationship 'sculpt' each other in subtler ways, reinforcing desirable patterns in each other via countless small interactions. That sculpting, some research suggests, tends to push people toward their partner's ideal version of who they should be. This quiet push to get the love we want has been called the Michelangelo Phenomenon, where each partner shapes the other." (ibid.)

So you're looking for perfection in your life partner? You'd rather stay single the rest of your life than have to settle for less than that? Here's an idea: get married and in about 50 years or so you should have the perfect partner ;-) Maybe what you need isn't perfection after all - it's patience...