Just Say "I Don't"

You've heard it before.

"If you just believe in it and tell yourself that it will happen, it will eventually happen."

And if you're faced with temptations, it's easiest to resist if you immediately tell yourself that you can't and shouldn't do that. Right? When it comes to self-help through self-talk, things might actually be a bit more complicated than that.

Contrary to self-help lore, there's little evidence that positive self-talk works like magic. Telling yourself you're beautiful, a confident public speaker or a future billionaire won't make you any of those things; if anything, it's liable to have the reverse effect. The true impact of self-talk is more subtle.

This is from a column by Oliver Burkeman of The Guardian, who believes his short article will change your life ;-) For example, according to him it's better to phrase something as a question if you need to motivate yourself for a challenging task. "I will talk to my boss about that promotion" might sound better in your head, but "Will I talk to my boss about that promotion?" will lead to more intrinsic motivation to actually go and have that tough conversation, because it reminds you of all the reasons you have to ask for said promotion.

What's the best way to resist a chocolate bar?

What might be even more interesting though is a recent study on the use of "can't" versus "don't" phrases in your personal self-talk. Suppose you've decided to quit eating chocolate, because you want to live a healthier life. Does it really make a difference if, when tempted with the possibility of having a really tasty looking chocolate bar, you say to yourself "I can't eat chocolate" instead of "I don't eat chocolate"? Apparently it does, since the students taking part in the study were more likely (by a large margin) to resist temptation when they used "don't" sentences instead of "can't" phrases. Here's Burkeman's explanation:

The "can't" framing implies an external restraint, which feels disempowering (even if you imposed the restraint on yourself). You might even be tempted to disobey solely to assert your independence. To say that you "don't" do something, by contrast, suggests autonomy, as well as long-term commitment.

And it even helps when talking to (and refusing the offers of) other people. Listening to yourself say "I don't do that" out loud will make you feel better about refusing, resisting and just saying "no" in general. So no matter if you're self-talking yourself into resisting a temptation or directly refusing someone's tempting offer, don't forget to say "don't." Who knows, in the end it might actually change your life.