Are You Feeling Safe Or Suffocated?

A romantic relationship can be the best or worst thing that has ever happened to you. There are, of course, many different factors that play a role in how your relationship will turn out. I won't go into all that. To my mind, one of the most important questions every serious partnership needs to answer is this: Do I feel safe or suffocated?

In chapter 14 of his book Social Intelligence, Daniel Goleman tells the story of a female lawyer who was seeing an independent writer: she was gone all day while he worked comfortably from their mutual home. As soon as she came home from work, he would "pounce" on her, giving her his absolute and undivided attention, which caused her to one day plead with him: "Just give me an ounce of space to love you from!" Here's Goleman's take on the problem:

"Her comment bespeaks the underside of looping too tightly: it can be suffocating. The goal of attunement is not simply continual meshing, with an utter entrainment of every thought and feeling; it also includes giving each other space to be alone as needed. This cycle of connectedness strikes a balance between the individual's needs and the couple's. As one family therapist put it, 'The more a couple can be apart, the more they can be together.'" (p. 204, italics mine)

The main point here is the part I've put in italics: we need to give the other person some space when they need it. Otherwise we run the risk of alienating them and giving them the feeling of not being able to "breathe." And we all know how important for our well-being that is.

The danger then is to fall into the other extreme by giving your partner so much space that they feel neglected by you. The magic formula is to give her enough space to breathe while at the same time conveying a feeling of safety and security. Not always easy to put into practice but surely not impossible to do either. Because in the end, this is exactly what we all long for: to have a "home base", someone we can always depend on for support, encouragement and unconditional love. Interestingly enough, there seems to be a connection between having this kind of security and being (or at least trying to be) successful in life. 

"Our sense of security and our drive to explore are entwined. The more our partner provides us with a haven and security, [...] the more exploration we can take on - and the more daunting the goal of our explorations, the more we may need to draw on the support of our base to boost our energy and focus, confidence, and courage. These propositions were tested with 116 couples who had been romantically involved for at least four years. As predicted, the more a person felt his or her partner to be a dependable 'home base,' the more willing they were to pursue life's opportunities with confidence." (p. 212)

Pursuing life's opportunities with confidence: isn't that what we all want? I know I do. And I know I'll have a better chance of doing that if I'm in a long-term relationship that functions as a home base - giving me a sense of security instead of suffocation. Because there's nothing better than just being able to breathe normally ;-)